Free Will

I went for a walk yesterday with my Red Heeler, Gloria, along the windswept Swinomish Channel. It took all of my energy just to get there. The sun was shining and I had the wind against my back, which at several points along my sojourn, made it feel like someone was helping me along. I went there to clear my body's energies that had collected from last week's grind of planning the store's closing, lice, laundry and a few struggles with John. This was a difficult day in the time of personal change.

I came home in such a lucid state, I thought my mind was faltering into Allzheimer's, or Lou Gherrig's disease. I ate in silence, but was not alone (John had the day off from school and was working on his laptop). Understanding his boundries, I went to the bedroom to sift through the many journal entries scattered on the floor, hoping to find inspiration that could lift my spirits. It was not text that took me over, but the sun's rays that lured me into a much needed rest. I felt like a cat, just lying there on the floor with only the warmth of the sun blanketing me. I stretched and gave myself permission to just "be". Even though my brain jerked over and over again in acclimating to this pleasure, I reassured myself that it's okay to rest. I told God every time my mind spasmed, "Thank you for this deep sleep. Thank you for this deep relaxation."

I slept for two hours. At one point, I pulled my cashmere throw over me for further insulation between the passing clouds, but it didn't break my stride of deep, midday rest.

This is what change does. It allows you to take a nap in the middle of the day when you don't understand how exhausted you are feeling. It makes you assess what makes you happy. So many times, if not most, we do for others those things that make them happy. Within the perameters of marriage, or any relationship, identity is easily lost if you constantly give and put other's needs ahead of your own. Even if you are conscious of this warning, we as mothers, wives and mates still hand over our power. Why? Because we unconsciously fall into repetitive patterns that have taken us this far in life. We haven't had to be pressed against the wall of change.

Where do we get leverage on ourselves to understand and nurture the power of our worthiness? For me, it has began with my body. My lovely muscles, fat, bones and organs are what I listen to. When something goes awry in that catagory, I have to listen, because I am rooted in this physical world. I was told by my friend, Elke (who is an aura reader/healer/author) that I, we, you -if you choose to be- are part of the transition team. The transition team is a collection of people who will clean up the shit in the world. She told me my root chakra was so large and anchored in this physical world, that I will be around for a long time. Well, if I'm going to be around for many years, I want to feel good and be able to live life. That motivates me.

The second point of leverage is my mind. This is the "Last Frontier". Trying to reprogram negative thoughts into positive ones has been a two year tennis match. I have counceled by myself and with John to clean up my thoughts. This requires constant conciousness on a daily basis. You have to constantly check in with your mind and it's feelings in order to harness the power of positive thinking.

What is difficult with change, is that as I do it, it makes others around me shift.

I stayed at the store because John didn't want me to change. So, instead of honoring my feelings of moving on and finding something else before the market crashed, I slowly began to complain about my physical and about the decline in business. I complained about hurting and feeling like crap to John when I got home at night. I didn't have ample energy to play with the kids in the evening. I did't want to engage in sex due to severity of physical symptoms (TMI?!).

I love John. To blame him about inability to stand up for my feelings is unfair, since I am the one who chose to stay and become a practical Queen of Swords instead of my fun, Queen of Wands ( I will explain later).

I knew that I was done with Organic Matters three years ago. That was when my stress hormones showed up and decided to become turbulant until I listened to my needs. However, I exercised free will and chose to stay at the store, thinking I had more to learn (how can I begrudge myself a good lesson?). I began to get a little involved with our community, since I hadn't ever done it before. I volunteered at the school, and served on our Chamber's marketing committee. I even tried to sell OM, but by that time the economy's gloomy reputation had caught up with our town.

With all that, I burned out even quicker.

What I hadn't realized was that Organic Matters had became it's own entity during the last 14 years. It was operating without me being there. It had it's own space, customers and business license. Yes, I created it. Yes, I loved and nurtured it. Yes, I put all my creativity in it for many years. What did I expect?!

I expected more. I wanted the store to take off and be super profitable. I had hopes of franchising the concept and moving it to Seattle. I yearned for OM to bring home more income than my husband. I wanted the ego trip, yet received the self improvement path.

Really, the closing of the store is much more than selling goods at discount from a brick and mortar building. It's about letting go of a dream. It's about death. I am literally dying before your eyes on the screen, only to transform into my own "beautiful butterfly". Thank you for reading. This is what they call the dark before light phase. I trust the universe to tilt in the direction of happiness-around March 31st!!

Was this the noble road to self discovery? Was it the easiest road to family peace and diplomacy? Doesn't matter. It was free will that allowed me to do it. And free will rules this earth.

Organic Matters will be start liquidation on February 1st. All merchandise and fixtures discounted at 20% off. All sales final:)